Hall of Illustrious Fictional Lawyers

So the world thinks we're a bunch of soul-sucking, ambulance-chasing, pinstripe-wearing bastard people. Well, we've got something to say about that: We'll see you in court, pal! No, wait ... I mean ... uh ...

We can be nice too! Yeah ... that's it. Just look at all these inspiring legal folks. Sure, they're fictional, but they're also awesome.

Name: John Plumptre Flavor of Lawyer: Ineffective Location: Kent Famous Words: I do long for the day when every one of us on Earth can turn away from shallow, worldly desires, believing, rejoicing that our Lord will reward us in heaven. In the meantime a writer like yourself is in such a powerful position to encourage people to be virtuous. And that is why - please don’t be offended, Miss Austen - why it worries me that so many of your men of religion are figures of fun. Why He’s Awesome: Plumptre thinks better of proposing to the niece of Jane Austen after he realizes that both she and the author are laughing at him. In their defense he is a ridiculous figure - a lawyer who is terrible with words and terrified of sin. (You’re in the wrong line of work, my friend.) But at least this way he won’t wind up as a character in one of Austen’s books. Literature has more than enough farcical lawyers in it already, thank you.Want a consult? Find him in Miss Austen Regrets.

Name: John Plumptre
Flavor of Lawyer: Ineffective
Location: Kent

Famous Words: I do long for the day when every one of us on Earth can turn away from shallow, worldly desires, believing, rejoicing that our Lord will reward us in heaven. In the meantime a writer like yourself is in such a powerful position to encourage people to be virtuous. And that is why - please don’t be offended, Miss Austen - why it worries me that so many of your men of religion are figures of fun.

Why He’s Awesome: Plumptre thinks better of proposing to the niece of Jane Austen after he realizes that both she and the author are laughing at him. In their defense he is a ridiculous figure - a lawyer who is terrible with words and terrified of sin. (You’re in the wrong line of work, my friend.) But at least this way he won’t wind up as a character in one of Austen’s books. Literature has more than enough farcical lawyers in it already, thank you.

Want a consult? Find him in Miss Austen Regrets.

Posted May 21, 2013 at 9:03 am 8 notes

Name: Nikki Gardner Flavor of Lawyer: Senior Associate Location: Los Angeles Famous Words: Are you a shark? You’ve been circling this lobby for half an hour, like if you stopped you’d die. Why She’s Awesome: Nikki doesn’t understand why her firm has hired a lawyer who only tries easy cases, offers to sabotage a case in exchange for a job interview, and then fails to either follow through or report the violation to the bar. But then the script remembers that she’s supposed to be the love interest, so she instantly forgets all her reservations and sleeps with him. Quality writing, folks. This movie has never heard of it. (See the above shark pun.)Want a consult? Find her in Fracture.

Name: Nikki Gardner
Flavor of Lawyer: Senior Associate
Location: Los Angeles

Famous Words: Are you a shark? You’ve been circling this lobby for half an hour, like if you stopped you’d die.

Why She’s Awesome: Nikki doesn’t understand why her firm has hired a lawyer who only tries easy cases, offers to sabotage a case in exchange for a job interview, and then fails to either follow through or report the violation to the bar. But then the script remembers that she’s supposed to be the love interest, so she instantly forgets all her reservations and sleeps with him. Quality writing, folks. This movie has never heard of it. (See the above shark pun.)

Want a consult? Find her in Fracture.

Posted May 20, 2013 at 9:03 am 5 notes

Name: Willy Beachum Flavor of Lawyer: Prosecutor Location: Los Angeles Famous Words: No. You warned me that he was smart. You didn’t warn me that you were stupid. Why He’s Awesome: It’s not so much that Anthony Hopkins’ character is an evil mastermind as it is that Willy here is as dumb as a box of rocks. If you can’t win a case without planted evidence or a coma patient waking up at the last second, you should probably just turn in your bar license. But hey, maybe he isn’t a moron. Maybe he’s just written that way. By a screenwriter whose entire understanding of the legal system is based on five minutes of a Law and Order episode he saw one time. While drunk. Want a consult? Find him in Fracture.

Name: Willy Beachum
Flavor of Lawyer: Prosecutor
Location: Los Angeles

Famous Words: No. You warned me that he was smart. You didn’t warn me that you were stupid.

Why He’s Awesome: It’s not so much that Anthony Hopkins’ character is an evil mastermind as it is that Willy here is as dumb as a box of rocks. If you can’t win a case without planted evidence or a coma patient waking up at the last second, you should probably just turn in your bar license. But hey, maybe he isn’t a moron. Maybe he’s just written that way. By a screenwriter whose entire understanding of the legal system is based on five minutes of a Law and Order episode he saw one time. While drunk.

Want a consult? Find him in Fracture.

Posted May 19, 2013 at 9:03 am 1 notes

Name: Mr. Bentley Flavor of Lawyer: Senior Partner Location: London Famous Words: I know you’ve had it rough, Kipps, and I’m sympathetic to your situation. But we can’t carry passengers. We’re a law firm, not a charity. Why He’s Awesome: Nothing expresses heartfelt sympathy like blowing cigar smoke in your recently widowed employee’s face. Except maybe threatening to fire him if he doesn’t get his act together. I’m going to draw the line at sending him on a suicide mission to a haunted house though. That’s the kind of job you give to a first year associate or a summer intern. Someone expendable. Not a lawyer with four plus years at the firm. Want a consult? Find him in The Woman In Black.

Name: Mr. Bentley
Flavor of Lawyer: Senior Partner
Location: London

Famous Words: I know you’ve had it rough, Kipps, and I’m sympathetic to your situation. But we can’t carry passengers. We’re a law firm, not a charity.

Why He’s Awesome: Nothing expresses heartfelt sympathy like blowing cigar smoke in your recently widowed employee’s face. Except maybe threatening to fire him if he doesn’t get his act together. I’m going to draw the line at sending him on a suicide mission to a haunted house though. That’s the kind of job you give to a first year associate or a summer intern. Someone expendable. Not a lawyer with four plus years at the firm.

Want a consult? Find him in The Woman In Black.

Posted May 18, 2013 at 9:03 am 7 notes

Name: H. Jerome Flavor of Lawyer: Solicitor Location: Gifford Famous Words: It’s not possible. The Gifford Arms is fully booked for the week. Not even Mr. Daily has a telephone, sir. You’ll not find one in Gifford. The post office is closed on Wednesday morning. The London train leaves in half an hour. My valet Archer is waiting outside with your luggage. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kipps. Why He’s Awesome: This whole debacle could have been easily avoided if Jerome had made his cryptic warnings a little less cryptic. For example, “Hey, you probably shouldn’t go out to that house, because there’s this murderous ghost lady there who likes to kill kids.” Problem solved. Just once I’d like a person in a horror movie to be up front and obvious with their information. Although asking a lawyer to be clear and concise is probably asking too much.Want a consult? Find him in The Woman In Black.

Name: H. Jerome
Flavor of Lawyer: Solicitor
Location: Gifford

Famous Words: It’s not possible. The Gifford Arms is fully booked for the week. Not even Mr. Daily has a telephone, sir. You’ll not find one in Gifford. The post office is closed on Wednesday morning. The London train leaves in half an hour. My valet Archer is waiting outside with your luggage. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kipps.

Why He’s Awesome: This whole debacle could have been easily avoided if Jerome had made his cryptic warnings a little less cryptic. For example, “Hey, you probably shouldn’t go out to that house, because there’s this murderous ghost lady there who likes to kill kids.” Problem solved. Just once I’d like a person in a horror movie to be up front and obvious with their information. Although asking a lawyer to be clear and concise is probably asking too much.

Want a consult? Find him in The Woman In Black.

Posted May 17, 2013 at 9:03 am

Name: Arthur Kipps Flavor of Lawyer: Solicitor Location: Eel Marsh House Famous Words: That’s your mummy. Why He’s Awesome: Documentation is important. Kipps and his law firm probably won’t be able to sell the creepy Drablow mansion without it. But vengeful ghosts don’t respond well to motions to compel discovery. The disembodied screams, the homicidal messages, and the dead-eyed ghost children are all pretty good indicators of this fact. Kipps finally figures it out right around the time he’s up to his neck in black slime, trying to pull a rotting corpse out of a swamp. There are other clients, bro. Move on.Want a consult? Find him in The Woman In Black.

Name: Arthur Kipps
Flavor of Lawyer: Solicitor
Location: Eel Marsh House

Famous Words: That’s your mummy.

Why He’s Awesome: Documentation is important. Kipps and his law firm probably won’t be able to sell the creepy Drablow mansion without it. But vengeful ghosts don’t respond well to motions to compel discovery. The disembodied screams, the homicidal messages, and the dead-eyed ghost children are all pretty good indicators of this fact. Kipps finally figures it out right around the time he’s up to his neck in black slime, trying to pull a rotting corpse out of a swamp. There are other clients, bro. Move on.

Want a consult? Find him in The Woman In Black.

Posted May 16, 2013 at 9:03 am

Name: Evelyn McGruder Flavor of Lawyer: Justice on the Council of Five Location: Mega-City One Famous Words: Griffin, this is treason. You have just sealed your fate. Why She’s Awesome: Most attorneys start bawling openly when their primary piece of evidence is excluded from trial, but Evelyn barely blinks. Probably because she’s arguing a case in front of the Council of Five. Of which she is a member. (That’s like Ruth Bader Ginsburg arguing in front of the Supreme Court.) Somehow I can’t see them siding with a random street judge over one of their own.Want a consult? Find her in Judge Dredd.

Name: Evelyn McGruder
Flavor of Lawyer: Justice on the Council of Five
Location: Mega-City One

Famous Words: Griffin, this is treason. You have just sealed your fate.

Why She’s Awesome: Most attorneys start bawling openly when their primary piece of evidence is excluded from trial, but Evelyn barely blinks. Probably because she’s arguing a case in front of the Council of Five. Of which she is a member. (That’s like Ruth Bader Ginsburg arguing in front of the Supreme Court.) Somehow I can’t see them siding with a random street judge over one of their own.

Want a consult? Find her in Judge Dredd.

Posted May 15, 2013 at 9:03 am 1 notes

Name: Eustace Fargo Flavor of Lawyer: Chief Justice Location: The Cursed Earth Famous Words: My fellow judges, I was barely in my teens when I put on this badge. When the time comes for me to take it off, please let me do so knowing that it still stands for freedom and not for repression. Why He’s Awesome: Fargo not only manages to communicate important plot information but also to say something profound about justice before he passes away. Impressive when you consider that most people’s last words after being stabbed in the chest are, “ARRRRGH! OW! Oh, God, OW!”Want a consult? Find him in Judge Dredd.

Name: Eustace Fargo
Flavor of Lawyer: Chief Justice
Location: The Cursed Earth

Famous Words: My fellow judges, I was barely in my teens when I put on this badge. When the time comes for me to take it off, please let me do so knowing that it still stands for freedom and not for repression.

Why He’s Awesome: Fargo not only manages to communicate important plot information but also to say something profound about justice before he passes away. Impressive when you consider that most people’s last words after being stabbed in the chest are, “ARRRRGH! OW! Oh, God, OW!”

Want a consult? Find him in Judge Dredd.

Posted May 14, 2013 at 9:03 am 1 notes

Name: Carla Morengo Flavor of Lawyer: Criminal Defense Attorney Location: Camp Green Lake Famous Words: Stanley, there’s nothing that I can do for your friend. Why She’s Awesome: I kind of doubt that, Carla. You apparently have enough influence to drag the Attorney General himself out into the middle of nowhere just to pick up one kid. You also have overwhelming evidence of child abuse. I think what you meant to say is, “There’s nothing I can do unless your friend comes up with $25,000 to retain me.” Fortunately Hector just became a wealthy man. Do you want that in stock or jeweled goblets?Want a consult? Find her in Holes by Louis Sachar.

Name: Carla Morengo
Flavor of Lawyer: Criminal Defense Attorney
Location: Camp Green Lake

Famous Words: Stanley, there’s nothing that I can do for your friend.

Why She’s Awesome: I kind of doubt that, Carla. You apparently have enough influence to drag the Attorney General himself out into the middle of nowhere just to pick up one kid. You also have overwhelming evidence of child abuse. I think what you meant to say is, “There’s nothing I can do unless your friend comes up with $25,000 to retain me.” Fortunately Hector just became a wealthy man. Do you want that in stock or jeweled goblets?

Want a consult? Find her in Holes by Louis Sachar.

Posted May 13, 2013 at 9:03 am 1 notes

Name: Gordon Bombay Flavor of Lawyer: Criminal Defense Attorney Location: Minneapolis Famous Words: I hate hockey, and I don’t like kids. Look, I’m sure this will be a real bonding experience. Maybe one day one of you will write a book about it in jail. Why He’s Awesome: Hey! Be nice to the juvenile delinquents, Gordon. Those are your future clients you’re insulting. Plus a guy who’s still hung up on a peewee hockey game from twenty years ago doesn’t have much room to mock others.Want a consult? Find him in The Mighty Ducks.

Name: Gordon Bombay
Flavor of Lawyer: Criminal Defense Attorney
Location: Minneapolis

Famous Words: I hate hockey, and I don’t like kids. Look, I’m sure this will be a real bonding experience. Maybe one day one of you will write a book about it in jail.

Why He’s Awesome: Hey! Be nice to the juvenile delinquents, Gordon. Those are your future clients you’re insulting. Plus a guy who’s still hung up on a peewee hockey game from twenty years ago doesn’t have much room to mock others.

Want a consult? Find him in The Mighty Ducks.

Posted May 12, 2013 at 9:03 am 9 notes