Hall of Illustrious Fictional Lawyers

So the world thinks we're a bunch of soul-sucking, ambulance-chasing, pinstripe-wearing bastard people. Well, we've got something to say about that: We'll see you in court, pal! No, wait ... I mean ... uh ...

We can be nice too! Yeah ... that's it. Just look at all these inspiring legal folks. Sure, they're fictional, but they're also awesome.

Name: Judge Hopkins  Flavor of Lawyer: Deceased Location: Blithe Hollow Famous Words: We were scared. Of her. I believed we were doing what was right. I was wrong. This is our punishment. We thought we knew our way in life, but in death we are lost. Please. Help us. Why He’s Awesome: Hopkins is pretty articulate for a guy whose jaw is half rotted off. Which is good, because it’s going to take one hell of an excuse to explain why he sentenced a ten-year-old to death.Want a consult? Find him in ParaNorman.

Name: Judge Hopkins
Flavor of Lawyer: Deceased
Location: Blithe Hollow

Famous Words: We were scared. Of her. I believed we were doing what was right. I was wrong. This is our punishment. We thought we knew our way in life, but in death we are lost. Please. Help us.

Why He’s Awesome: Hopkins is pretty articulate for a guy whose jaw is half rotted off. Which is good, because it’s going to take one hell of an excuse to explain why he sentenced a ten-year-old to death.

Want a consult? Find him in ParaNorman.

Name: Grand Councilwoman Flavor of Lawyer: Judge Location: United Intergalactic Federation Famous Words: You look familiar. Ah, yes. You had hair then. Why She’s Awesome: When the Councilwoman lets one deranged criminal out of prison to capture another deranged criminal, you might be tempted to think that her strong suit isn’t coming up with good plans. But that’s only because you haven’t heard her first three ideas. Next to gassing an entire planet, blowing up an island, and mounting a full scale military invasion, setting a mad alien scientist loose on Earth seems downright circumspect.Want a consult? Find her in Lilo and Stitch.

Name: Grand Councilwoman
Flavor of Lawyer: Judge
Location: United Intergalactic Federation

Famous Words: You look familiar. Ah, yes. You had hair then.

Why She’s Awesome: When the Councilwoman lets one deranged criminal out of prison to capture another deranged criminal, you might be tempted to think that her strong suit isn’t coming up with good plans. But that’s only because you haven’t heard her first three ideas. Next to gassing an entire planet, blowing up an island, and mounting a full scale military invasion, setting a mad alien scientist loose on Earth seems downright circumspect.

Want a consult? Find her in Lilo and Stitch.

Name: “Reverend” Roy Foltrigg Flavor of Lawyer: Prosecutor Location: New Orleans Famous Words: Oh, hell no. They’re a pain in the ass. You got nothing to hide, you don’t need a lawyer. Why He’s Awesome: In Roy’s defense, he wasn’t lying when he told a detained minor that lawyers are just monumental pains in the ass, who drag things out and make everything more expensive and complex than it needs to be. Attorneys really are like that. Attorneys named Roy Foltrigg, anyway.Want a consult? Find him in The Client by John Grisham.

Name: “Reverend” Roy Foltrigg
Flavor of Lawyer: Prosecutor
Location: New Orleans

Famous Words: Oh, hell no. They’re a pain in the ass. You got nothing to hide, you don’t need a lawyer.

Why He’s Awesome: In Roy’s defense, he wasn’t lying when he told a detained minor that lawyers are just monumental pains in the ass, who drag things out and make everything more expensive and complex than it needs to be. Attorneys really are like that. Attorneys named Roy Foltrigg, anyway.

Want a consult? Find him in The Client by John Grisham.

Name: Reggie Love Flavor of Lawyer: Family Law Attorney Location: Memphis Famous Words: You are so good. But I’m not going to let you use this child to climb into the governor’s chair. If you and your guys attempt to contact my client or his family again, I’m going to put little Mark Sway on the news, primetime, and he can tell everybody how you trampled the constitutional rights of a little eleven-year-old. And I’ve got the tape to prove it. Why She’s Awesome: When a client calls you in the middle of the night to ask if you can pick him up from his prison break, smuggle him over state lines, and go dig up a corpse with him, the answer is no. I don’t care if that client is an adorable, cherubic child. I definitely don’t care if that child is a petulant, abusive, chain-smoking, swearing little delinquent busily working on his first felony. NO.Want a consult? Find her in The Client by John Grisham.

Name: Reggie Love
Flavor of Lawyer: Family Law Attorney
Location: Memphis

Famous Words: You are so good. But I’m not going to let you use this child to climb into the governor’s chair. If you and your guys attempt to contact my client or his family again, I’m going to put little Mark Sway on the news, primetime, and he can tell everybody how you trampled the constitutional rights of a little eleven-year-old. And I’ve got the tape to prove it.

 Why She’s Awesome: When a client calls you in the middle of the night to ask if you can pick him up from his prison break, smuggle him over state lines, and go dig up a corpse with him, the answer is no. I don’t care if that client is an adorable, cherubic child. I definitely don’t care if that child is a petulant, abusive, chain-smoking, swearing little delinquent busily working on his first felony. NO.

Want a consult? Find her in The Client by John Grisham.

Name: Alan Dershowitz Flavor of Lawyer: Law Professor Location: Cambridge  Famous Words: If lawyers only defended innocent clients, there would only be twelve defense attorneys, and none of you would be able to find a job.  Why He’s Awesome: I don’t know that you can take credit for overturning your client’s conviction, when twenty or so law students did all of the research, found the witnesses, wrote the motions, tore holes in the evidence, came up with all the legal arguments, and did everything except stand next to the defendant at the hearing. Let’s be honest, Alan. The prosecutor contributed more to the defense than you did.Want a consult? Find him in Reversal of Fortune.

Name: Alan Dershowitz
Flavor of Lawyer: Law Professor
Location: Cambridge

Famous Words: If lawyers only defended innocent clients, there would only be twelve defense attorneys, and none of you would be able to find a job.

Why He’s Awesome: I don’t know that you can take credit for overturning your client’s conviction, when twenty or so law students did all of the research, found the witnesses, wrote the motions, tore holes in the evidence, came up with all the legal arguments, and did everything except stand next to the defendant at the hearing. Let’s be honest, Alan. The prosecutor contributed more to the defense than you did.

Want a consult? Find him in Reversal of Fortune.

Name: Sara Fitzgerald Flavor of Lawyer: Slimey Location: Mother of the Year Shortlist Famous Words: You don’t want to do it anymore? That’s it? You don’t want to do it? Well, guess what. Neither do I, and neither does Kate! But it’s not like we have a choice in this!  Why She’s Awesome: When your own daughter sues you for medical emancipation so you can’t forcibly remove her kidney, there’s really only one response. You sue her eleven-year-old butt right back. And be sure to utterly destroy her on the stand. It’s just good parenting.Want a consult? Find her in My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult.

Name: Sara Fitzgerald
Flavor of Lawyer: Slimey
Location: Mother of the Year Shortlist

Famous Words: You don’t want to do it anymore? That’s it? You don’t want to do it? Well, guess what. Neither do I, and neither does Kate! But it’s not like we have a choice in this!

Why She’s Awesome: When your own daughter sues you for medical emancipation so you can’t forcibly remove her kidney, there’s really only one response. You sue her eleven-year-old butt right back. And be sure to utterly destroy her on the stand. It’s just good parenting.

Want a consult? Find her in My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult.

Name: Campbell Alexander Flavor of Lawyer: Attorney for the ACLU Location: The Moral High Ground  Famous Words: Really? Didn’t two nurses have to hold Anna down because she was fighting so hard? So she didn’t completely agree, now did she? Why He’s Awesome: If you are lucky enough to have a service dog, be sure to name it “Judge.” That way when you bring it to court with you, you can shout, “Shut up, Judge!” without being held in contempt of court.  Want a consult? Find him in My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult.

Name: Campbell Alexander
Flavor of Lawyer: Attorney for the ACLU
Location: The Moral High Ground

Famous Words: Really? Didn’t two nurses have to hold Anna down because she was fighting so hard? So she didn’t completely agree, now did she?

Why He’s Awesome: If you are lucky enough to have a service dog, be sure to name it “Judge.” That way when you bring it to court with you, you can shout, “Shut up, Judge!” without being held in contempt of court.

Want a consult? Find him in My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult.

Name: Jerome Facher Flavor of Lawyer: Civil Defense Attorney Location: Boston Famous Words: The truth? I thought we were talking about a court of law. Come on. You’ve been around long enough to know that a courtroom isn’t a place to look for the truth. You’ll be lucky to find anything here that in any way resembles the truth. You disagree? Since when? Jan, Jan, that suit fits you better than sentimentality.  Why He’s Awesome: Jerome is good. Ridiculously good. So good that he manages to get his chemical-dumping, child-killing, corporate client excused from the lawsuit with more than half an hour of the movie still left to go. I don’t know what he does with that extra forty minutes, but it’s a good bet that he spends it practicing his evil cackle in front of a mirror. Want a consult? Find him in A Civil Action.

Name: Jerome Facher
Flavor of Lawyer: Civil Defense Attorney
Location: Boston

Famous Words: The truth? I thought we were talking about a court of law. Come on. You’ve been around long enough to know that a courtroom isn’t a place to look for the truth. You’ll be lucky to find anything here that in any way resembles the truth. You disagree? Since when? Jan, Jan, that suit fits you better than sentimentality.

Why He’s Awesome: Jerome is good. Ridiculously good. So good that he manages to get his chemical-dumping, child-killing, corporate client excused from the lawsuit with more than half an hour of the movie still left to go. I don’t know what he does with that extra forty minutes, but it’s a good bet that he spends it practicing his evil cackle in front of a mirror.

Want a consult? Find him in A Civil Action.

Name: James Gordon  Flavor of Lawyer: Personal Injury Attorney Location: Boston  Famous Words: Every credit card application we send in, we get two more in the mail. Here’s one from some bank I’ve never heard of in North Dakota. Fill it out. Fill them all out. It’s the last great pyramid scheme in America. Cancel the American Lawyer. Cancel all the legal journals. Who needs them? And call the janitorial people. Tell them their services are no longer required. We can empty our own f*cking ashtrays. Why He’s Awesome: You know the future of your firm is secure when the only way your chief financial officer can think of to pay the bills is to get lucky with scratch cards and discount lotto tickets. That or send a hundred dollars into a 2AM televangelist and hope God hooks him up with a miracle. A sound investment either way. Want a consult? Find him in A Civil Action.

Name: James Gordon
Flavor of Lawyer: Personal Injury Attorney
Location: Boston

Famous Words: Every credit card application we send in, we get two more in the mail. Here’s one from some bank I’ve never heard of in North Dakota. Fill it out. Fill them all out. It’s the last great pyramid scheme in America. Cancel the American Lawyer. Cancel all the legal journals. Who needs them? And call the janitorial people. Tell them their services are no longer required. We can empty our own f*cking ashtrays.

Why He’s Awesome: You know the future of your firm is secure when the only way your chief financial officer can think of to pay the bills is to get lucky with scratch cards and discount lotto tickets. That or send a hundred dollars into a 2AM televangelist and hope God hooks him up with a miracle. A sound investment either way.

Want a consult? Find him in A Civil Action.

Name: Jan Schlichtmann Flavor of Lawyer: Personal Injury Attorney Location: Boston  Famous Words: I mean I can appreciate the theatrical value of several dead kids. I mean I like that. Obviously. That’s good. But that’s all this case has going for it. That’s not enough. Why He’s Awesome: By the end of the film Jan manages to reclaim his soul for the low, low price of his house, his car, his law firm, seventeen years of income, all of his personal possessions, and his spot on the Boston’s Most Eligible Bachelor list. In other words, Jan got totally ripped off. A soul isn’t going to make that eightieth consecutive Cup O’ Noodles taste any better.  Want a consult? Find him in A Civil Action.

Name: Jan Schlichtmann
Flavor of Lawyer: Personal Injury Attorney
Location: Boston

Famous Words: I mean I can appreciate the theatrical value of several dead kids. I mean I like that. Obviously. That’s good. But that’s all this case has going for it. That’s not enough.

Why He’s Awesome: By the end of the film Jan manages to reclaim his soul for the low, low price of his house, his car, his law firm, seventeen years of income, all of his personal possessions, and his spot on the Boston’s Most Eligible Bachelor list. In other words, Jan got totally ripped off. A soul isn’t going to make that eightieth consecutive Cup O’ Noodles taste any better.

Want a consult? Find him in A Civil Action.